diary of a mad white woman

I thought about using the title of this post as the title of this blog site... ha. If you have seen the movie with the same title except black you have some insight into my life....tragic yet blessed. I have lost so much. I think most days I'm unable to feel it. I think I am just trying to look forward...and when it's too scary, I just shut my eyes like a child. Sometimes when I open them again it's not so bad. I know in my heart I'm going to be okay. I'm no stranger to loosing things...and I'm okay. I wonder how some people can have it all and others can't even get their hands around it. It's especially hard when you feel like you were willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto it. For a long time I thought it was going to be enough. I wanted it to be enough... not just for me but for all of us. So, for now I'll just hold onto today.... though it feels like a shapeless form. I can't help but think of Peter in the storm... crying out for Jesus. He wanted his faith to be enough.... but it wasn't, at least not for that moment.